Joke of the day

 
12th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

This fellow walks over to the bartender and says, “I hear you are a betting man.” The bartender answers, “Sometimes I indulge.” “OK, I’ll bet you $10 that I can bite my eye.” The bartender thinks, “This is a good bet, OK!” The man takes out a glass eye, puts it in his mouth and bites it! The bartender doesn’t like it! He’s fuming, but pays up his $10. The man says, “Don’t aggravate yourself. I’ll bet you double or nothing I can bite my second eye.” The bartender figures, “OK, he can’t have two glass eyes. You’re on!” The man takes out his false teeth and bites the other eye… The bartender is really furious. But a bet is a bet — he plunks down his $20. The man says, “Come on, don’t be angry. I’ll give you another chance to win it all back. Double or nothing. You see this shot glass? I’ll put it at the end of the bar. I’ll shake up this bottle of coke and I’ll throw the contents from here into the shot glass without spilling a drop on the bar or mirror or anywhere.” The bartender says, “OK. Let’s go.” The man spends two minutes shaking up the bottle of coke. He opens it up. It sprays the bartender, all over the bar, on the glasses, the mirror, the whole place and not a drop in the shot glass. The man says, “Boy, that was terrible!” takes out a $100 bill and pays the bartender. The bartender is smiling from ear to ear, laughing his head off. The man turns around and walks away. The bartender calls after him. “Boy,” he says, “you’re not dumb. How come you did such a dumb thing?” The man points to a group of customers in the back. He says, “I bet them $5,000 that I could spray you and your whole bar with coke and you wouldn’t get angry, and if you are laughing I get $10,000.”

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Joke of the day

 
11th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A man is complaining to his friend about his misfortunes. First his home burnt down. The friend says: “could be worse.” His car was stolen – “could be worse!” He broke his leg – “could be worse.” The I.R.S. is investigating him – “could be worse.” After 20 catastrophes, the answer is always: “it could be worse.” He exclaims, “How in the world could it be worse?” The friend answers: “It could have happened to me!”

From: Breslev.co.il

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Joke of the day

 
10th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Jack lives in an apartment house. The neighbor upstairs goes to bed after Jack is sound asleep. Every night the neighbor takes off his shoes and drops them with a loud bang. Bang one shoe, bang another. Poor Jack jolts out of sleep. This is driving him crazy. Finally one day he grabs his neighbor and yells at him how he is torturing him with the shoe routine and how un-neighborly he is, etc. The neighbor, being a really fine fellow, apologizes profusely and promises not to do it again. That night the neighbor is going to bed and he takes off one shoe and drops it with a loud bang. Then he remembers his promise and takes off the other shoe and deposits it very softly on the floor. A half and hour later there is a loud ringing at his door. The neighbor wakes up, opens the door and there is Jack in his pajamas. “What can I do for you, Jack?” Jack answers: “For Goodness sake, would you please drop the other shoe already?!”

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Joke of the day

 
9th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A group of friends are sitting together and someone pipes up, “I’ll give $100 to the man who tells the biggest lie of us all.” They agree and each one stretches his imagination. One tells about beating up 20 hoodlums, another that with his bare hands he fought off a lion pack. Another describes his conversations with talking animals. Finally they turn to the last fellow and ask, “How about you?” He answers, “I’m sorry, I can’t compete. I’ve never told a lie in my life!” They all agree and award him the prize!

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Joke of the day

 
8th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A guest staying at a first class hotel calls room service. He demands special attention for his breakfast. “The toast”, he says, “should be so thoroughly burnt that it is a hard as a rock. When you put it on the plate the plate should break. The fried eggs must be dried out, leathery and rubbery, the butter rancid and the coffee – make sure is cold and burnt”. The waiter is outraged. “Sir”, he says, “we are a Five Star hotel. We can’t serve food like that!” “Oh yeah”, the guest answers, “so how come that’s what you served me yesterday?”

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Joke of the day

 
7th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A man is at the airport getting a fast breakfast before he gets on his plane. He orders scrambled eggs and notices a sign: “Stump the Memory Genius – the owner of the fast food place. Ask any question, if he doesn’t remember you get $10, if he does you pay $10.” Very interesting. The next time he is in the airport he sees the sign and says: “O.K., tell me what did I eat last time I was here?” The man doesn’t hesitate: “EGGS”. Darn! Amazing! He forks over the $10 and goes to his plane. What a memory! The next time he’s at the airport, he sees the sign again. He goes up to him and greets him like an Indian with his palm up – “How!” The Indian restaurateur answers: “Scrambled! Another $10 please.”

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Joke of the day

 
5th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Two old timers are having a conversation and one is telling his friend about this fabulous Chinese restaurant he and his wife dined at. So the friend asks: “What’s the name of this restaurant?” The first old timer can’t remember. He says to his friend: “Tell me, what’s the name of this flower that everybody loves, some are long stemmed, they have thorns along the stem?” “You mean a rose?!” “Yes. That’s it,” and he turns to his wife and says: “Rose! What’s the name of that great restaurant we ate in last night?”

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