Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Bet, 22nd Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

An IBM sales executive approaches the Pope and requests him to change the daily prayer to include IBM computers. In short, the request for “daily bread” would be dropped and replaced with a request for “daily computers”. In return, IBM would be willing to give the Pope $1 million. The Pope is not exactly overjoyed with this request; however, the IBM sales executive is insistent and antes up his offer to $10 million. The Pope is still not convinced, whereupon the IBM representative offers $50 million which sum the Pope accepts. The following day, there is a meeting of the Cardinals and the Pope speaks. “I have good news for you and I have bad news for you. The good news is that we are richer by $50 million, thanks to IBM. The bad news is that we just lost the Wonderbread account.”

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Aleph, 21st Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Cohn and Gruen are on a Safari in Tanzania when suddenly a roaring lion appears. Cohn pulls out his sneakers and puts them on in a hurry. Gruen yells at him, “Why are you putting on your sneakers? The lion can out-run you.” Cohen replies, “Yes, the lion can out-run me, however, I only need to out-run you.” And he dashes off.

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Vav, 19th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

While digging in the Sinai desert the Egyptian government by chance happened to find a mummy. They are quite interested in the mummy’s age and they send samples to the British Museum for age determination. The reply came back that the mummy was approximately 3,000-3,500 years old. The Egyptians are very upset and they say that this is not good enough; they want more precise data. They send a sample to the American Academy of Science and they receive the reply that the mummy is approximately 3,000-3,200 years old. Again, the Egyptians are somewhat upset. They say this is not good enough. They want more precise data. They send a sample to the Russian Academy of Science and the reply comes back that the mummy is exactly 3,122 years 6 months 2 days 2 hours old. The Egyptians are surprised and they wire back to the Academy: “How was it possible for you to give such an accurate answer?” The fax message came back: “We made the mummy confess his age.”

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Hey, 18th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Creative person No. 1: “Do you know that I’ve taken up writing as a career?” Creative person No. 2: “Wonderful. Have you sold anything yet?” Creative person No. 1: “Yes, my watch, my television set and my car!”

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Gimmel, 16th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Henry Kissinger, the Nobel Prize for Peace winner, is looking for some job to keep himself occupied. So he becomes the superintendent of the NY zoological gardens. An amazingly short time later he has an exhibit with a lion and a lamb in the same cage living together in harmony. The world takes note. A friend asks him: “Henry, how difficult was it to accomplish such a amazing task?” Henry answers: “It wasn’t difficult at all. You just need a new lamb every morning!”

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Bet, 15th Adar, 5770, Shushan Purim

Breslev Israel

The captain of a U.S. battleship is standing on the bridge. When he sees a light out on the water, he asks the lookout if they are on a collision course. The look out says, “Aye, aye, sir.” The captain calls the signalman. “Signal that ship to change course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I advise you to change your course by twenty degrees.” The captain is upset signals them: “I am a U.S. Navy Captain; change your course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I am an ensign U.S. Navy. I strongly urge you to change course by twenty degrees.” The captain is furious. Signal that ship: “We are a battleship and they better change course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I am a lighthouse. You better change your course by twenty degrees.”

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Joke of the day

 
14th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Little Moishe has $100 and he is quite worried that he may lose it. He asks his friend, Yankel. “Yankel, Yankel, what shall I do? I’m worried that I might lose this $100!” Yankel replies: “Don’t worry. Put it into a Hungarian bank.” Moishe continues: “Yes, yes, but what will happen to the $100 if the bank goes bankrupt?” Yankel replies: “Don’t worry. The bank is insured by the Hungarian National Bank.” Moishe replies: “But what will happen to the $100 if the Hungarian National Bank goes bankrupt?” Yankel replies: “That shouldn’t worry you either. It is insured by the Russian government and the Russian National Bank.” Moishe is still impatient. “But what will happen if the Russian government and the bank go bankrupt?” Yankel replies: “So what? Isn’t that worth $100?”

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Joke of the day

 
12th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

This fellow walks over to the bartender and says, “I hear you are a betting man.” The bartender answers, “Sometimes I indulge.” “OK, I’ll bet you $10 that I can bite my eye.” The bartender thinks, “This is a good bet, OK!” The man takes out a glass eye, puts it in his mouth and bites it! The bartender doesn’t like it! He’s fuming, but pays up his $10. The man says, “Don’t aggravate yourself. I’ll bet you double or nothing I can bite my second eye.” The bartender figures, “OK, he can’t have two glass eyes. You’re on!” The man takes out his false teeth and bites the other eye… The bartender is really furious. But a bet is a bet — he plunks down his $20. The man says, “Come on, don’t be angry. I’ll give you another chance to win it all back. Double or nothing. You see this shot glass? I’ll put it at the end of the bar. I’ll shake up this bottle of coke and I’ll throw the contents from here into the shot glass without spilling a drop on the bar or mirror or anywhere.” The bartender says, “OK. Let’s go.” The man spends two minutes shaking up the bottle of coke. He opens it up. It sprays the bartender, all over the bar, on the glasses, the mirror, the whole place and not a drop in the shot glass. The man says, “Boy, that was terrible!” takes out a $100 bill and pays the bartender. The bartender is smiling from ear to ear, laughing his head off. The man turns around and walks away. The bartender calls after him. “Boy,” he says, “you’re not dumb. How come you did such a dumb thing?” The man points to a group of customers in the back. He says, “I bet them $5,000 that I could spray you and your whole bar with coke and you wouldn’t get angry, and if you are laughing I get $10,000.”

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Joke of the day

 
11th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A man is complaining to his friend about his misfortunes. First his home burnt down. The friend says: “could be worse.” His car was stolen – “could be worse!” He broke his leg – “could be worse.” The I.R.S. is investigating him – “could be worse.” After 20 catastrophes, the answer is always: “it could be worse.” He exclaims, “How in the world could it be worse?” The friend answers: “It could have happened to me!”

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Joke of the day

 
10th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Jack lives in an apartment house. The neighbor upstairs goes to bed after Jack is sound asleep. Every night the neighbor takes off his shoes and drops them with a loud bang. Bang one shoe, bang another. Poor Jack jolts out of sleep. This is driving him crazy. Finally one day he grabs his neighbor and yells at him how he is torturing him with the shoe routine and how un-neighborly he is, etc. The neighbor, being a really fine fellow, apologizes profusely and promises not to do it again. That night the neighbor is going to bed and he takes off one shoe and drops it with a loud bang. Then he remembers his promise and takes off the other shoe and deposits it very softly on the floor. A half and hour later there is a loud ringing at his door. The neighbor wakes up, opens the door and there is Jack in his pajamas. “What can I do for you, Jack?” Jack answers: “For Goodness sake, would you please drop the other shoe already?!”

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Joke of the day

 
9th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A group of friends are sitting together and someone pipes up, “I’ll give $100 to the man who tells the biggest lie of us all.” They agree and each one stretches his imagination. One tells about beating up 20 hoodlums, another that with his bare hands he fought off a lion pack. Another describes his conversations with talking animals. Finally they turn to the last fellow and ask, “How about you?” He answers, “I’m sorry, I can’t compete. I’ve never told a lie in my life!” They all agree and award him the prize!

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Joke of the day

 
8th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A guest staying at a first class hotel calls room service. He demands special attention for his breakfast. “The toast”, he says, “should be so thoroughly burnt that it is a hard as a rock. When you put it on the plate the plate should break. The fried eggs must be dried out, leathery and rubbery, the butter rancid and the coffee – make sure is cold and burnt”. The waiter is outraged. “Sir”, he says, “we are a Five Star hotel. We can’t serve food like that!” “Oh yeah”, the guest answers, “so how come that’s what you served me yesterday?”

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Joke of the day

 
7th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A man is at the airport getting a fast breakfast before he gets on his plane. He orders scrambled eggs and notices a sign: “Stump the Memory Genius – the owner of the fast food place. Ask any question, if he doesn’t remember you get $10, if he does you pay $10.” Very interesting. The next time he is in the airport he sees the sign and says: “O.K., tell me what did I eat last time I was here?” The man doesn’t hesitate: “EGGS”. Darn! Amazing! He forks over the $10 and goes to his plane. What a memory! The next time he’s at the airport, he sees the sign again. He goes up to him and greets him like an Indian with his palm up – “How!” The Indian restaurateur answers: “Scrambled! Another $10 please.”

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Joke of the day

 
5th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Two old timers are having a conversation and one is telling his friend about this fabulous Chinese restaurant he and his wife dined at. So the friend asks: “What’s the name of this restaurant?” The first old timer can’t remember. He says to his friend: “Tell me, what’s the name of this flower that everybody loves, some are long stemmed, they have thorns along the stem?” “You mean a rose?!” “Yes. That’s it,” and he turns to his wife and says: “Rose! What’s the name of that great restaurant we ate in last night?”

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Joke of the day

 
4th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Downtown Manhattan, Kosher Chinese restaurant with ambiance. Chinese waiters. The customer orders and, lo and behold, the Chinese waiters take the order in Yiddish. “Why, that’s marvelous!” thinks the customer. On the way out, the customer pays the owner, who’s at the cash register. And, of course, he compliments him. “How in the world did you get these Chinese gentlemen to learn Yiddish?” “Shhhh!” the owner says. “Don’t talk so loud. They think I’m teaching them English….”

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Joke of the day

 
3rd Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

The story takes place in a delicatessen located in downtown Manhattan. The time is summer and the weather is slightly warm. Into the delicatessen walks a nervous type of Jewish man from the Garment industry to consume his lunch. “Waiter, waiter” — the customer calls the waiter — “it is too warm in this place, could you turn on the air conditioner?” The Chinese waiter politely bows and says, “Yes, ah-so, I shall do so.” The customer eats his pastrami sandwich and a few minutes later calls the waiter over again. “Waiter, waiter, it is too cold here, could you turn off the air conditioner?” The Chinese waiter very politely bows again and says, “Yes, ah-so, yes, ah-so,” and walks away. The customer continues munching his meal and a few minutes later in an agitated fashion calls over the waiter again. “Waiter, waiter, it’s too warm in this restaurant, could you turn on your air conditioner again?” The Chinese waiter politely bows again and says: “Ah-so, ah-so” and walks away. This back-and-forth scene continues two or three times until another customer sitting next to this nervous patron calls over the waiter and tells him: “I don’t understand you guys. This fellow is driving you nuts. He tells you to turn on the air conditioner, turn off the air conditioner, turn on the air conditioner. What’s the matter with him?” The waiter politely smiles. “He not driving me crazy — no, sir. I drive him crazy. There is no air conditioner in this restaurant.”

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Joke of the day

 
2nd Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A man has his hands crushed in an accident. He is examined by the surgeon and prepared for the operating room. He asks, “Will I be able to play the piano after I heal?” The Dr. says for sure! “WOW!” the patient says, “I always wanted to play the piano, but I was never able to until now.”

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Joke of the day

 
1st Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

A fellow visits a psychiatrist. The Doctor asks: “what is your problem?” “Well, I love pancakes!” The doctor says: “that’s no problem, I love pancakes too.” The man says, “Great! Come to my home and see my collection. I have three rooms full.”

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Joke of the day

 
30th Shevat, 5770

Breslev Israel

Little Daniel, is all excited as he is coming home from school and mentions to his daddy that the teacher spoke about “ethics”. However, he didn’t quite understand what it meant. He asks his father to elaborate. His father says: “Well, Daniel, it’s like this. You know that I am a lawyer and if I have a successful case I might charge my client $100 and my client gives me $100. However, if by mistake two bills get stuck together, the question of ethics is – should I share the extra $100 with my partner?”

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Joke of the day

 
28th Shevat, 5770

Breslev Israel

A fellow has a flat tire so he stops his car. Nobody is around to help him so he takes out his jack and jacks up the car. He removes the bolts and puts them in the hubcap. He turns to remove the tire and a car whizzes by. Somehow the hubcap and all the bolts roll down into a deep sewer. What is he going to do? He stands there perplexed. Next-door is a big building with a sign on the wall: State Insane Asylum. There is a window overlooking the street. A fellow leans out and asks what’s the problem? He explains what happened. The fellow says to him: “The solutions is simple. You still have three wheels. Take one bolt from each, tighten your spare and drive to the nearest station and buy more bolts.” “Why, this is genius!” He thanks the man profusely and timidly asks: “But aren’t you an inmate in this asylum?” The man answers, “Sure! I might be insane but I’m not stupid!”

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