Joke of the day – 11th Teves, 5773

The congregation divided into half about whether to move or not. So the first group goes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons to move and the Rabbi asks questions, considers, and finally he agrees. They’re right. The shul should move. The second group comes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons why the move would be a disaster. The Rabbi asks questions, thinks about it and decides, “you’re right, a disaster, we can’t move.” His wife listened to the whole argument and when the second group leaves, she asks, “But my husband, how can they both be right?” The Rabbi thinks for a moment. Finally he says, “You’re right too”.

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Joke of the day – 10th Teves, 5773

A congregation in an old synagogue located in the Bronx has a problem. One member group says: “When you come to this portion of the service, you have to stand up.” The other group says that when you come to the same part of the service, you should sit down. In their exasperation, they go to the old Rebbe for adjudication. The representative of the first group says to the Rebbe: “I believe that when we come to this portion of the service we should stand up. Tell us what to do.” The Rebbe strokes his beard, shakes his head and says, “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Two weeks pass and the other side, frustrated, also goes to the Rebbe and seeks advice: “Rebbe, Rebbe we believe that the first group is wrong. We believe that at that point in the service we should sit down. Tell us what shall we do.” The Rebbe looks at the man, strokes his beard again and says: “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Another two weeks pass and the groups become very belligerent and are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other in their exasperation. Both sides decide to go to the Rebbe and tell him: “Rebbe, Rebbe, things are getting out of hand. We are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other, jumping at each other’s throats, please tell us how it was!” The Rebbe’s face lights up and he says with a flowing smile: “Yes, that’s the way it was! That’s the way it was!”

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Joke of the day – 8th Teves, 5773

A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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Joke of the day – 7th Teves, 5773

Eighty years ago, the young man goes off to college two thousand miles away. The anxious father write telegrams, urgent letters “How are you”, “What are you studying”, “Who are your friends”, etc. etc. The silence is deafening. There are no phones there! So the father in desperation starts packing; he plans to travel to the college to see for himself. The uncle walks in and asks: “Where are you going?” The father explains; the uncle says: “Silly, I’ll get you an answer by return mail.” They make a bet for a $1,000. Sure enough, 8 days later the uncle walks in and plunks two letters on the table; the letter he wrote to get all the information and the letter he received. Flabbergasted the father asked: “How did you do it?” The uncle says: “Look at the P.S.” P.S. (the uncle writes) Enclosed you will find a check for $100. P.S. (the nephew answers) Uncle, you forgot to enclose your check!

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Joke of the day – 6th Teves, 5773

Three mothers are gathered and boasting about their children. One boasts of her son, the head of a medical department; the other has a son who is a Judge, and a daughter Psychiatrist. One of the women is quiet through it all. Finally, they turn to her and ask: “Well, what does your son do?” “He’s a rabbi!” “A rabbi? What kind of a profession is that for a nice Jewish boy?”

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Joke of the day – 5th Teves, 5773

A man is having a conversation with G-d, and he says, “G-d, with all of Your power, majesty and greatness, how does a million years appear in Your eyes?” The answer: a second. “Well, G-d, with your infiniteness and omnipotence, how does a billion dollars appear in Your eyes?” The answer: a penny. “So G-d, please, please give me half a penny.” The answer: in half a second.

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Joke of the day – 4th Teves, 5773

A poor Yeshiva boy marries the daughter of a very rich man. The happy father is overwhelmed at the marriage of his daughter and offers the young man one-third of his business and a senior position in the company. He tells the young man: “I’ll make you my Vice President of manufacturing.” The boy replies: “Dad, I appreciate your offer but I don’t think this is really what I want to do.” The father then continues: “Well, perhaps I should offer you the position of Vice President of Finance.” The boy replies: “Dad, I appreciate your consideration, but again this is just not my field.” Whereupon the slightly disappointed father-in-law continues: “My son, I offer you the position of Vice President of Sales.” The boy replies: “Dad, I greatly appreciate your generosity, but I don’t think I’m really meant for sales.” The father-in-law is now somewhat annoyed: “Well, what is it you want to do?” The boy replies: “Dad, I want you to buy me out.”

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Joke of the day – 3rd Teves, 5773

Mr. Cohen is having financial troubles and nothing seems to go his way. He prays to G-d: “Oh, G-d, Oh, G-d, help me to win the lottery, I need some financial help, Oh, G-d… A week or two passes by and, not surprisingly, Mr. Cohen did not win the lottery. Mr. Cohen prays to G-d again: “Oh, G-d, Oh, God, help me. I’ve got to solve my financial problems. Let me win at least just once in my lifetime…” Another week passes by and, again, nothing happens to Mr. Cohen. Another two or three weeks pass by, when suddenly there is thunder and the voice of G-d is heard: “Listen, Cohen, give me a break. Why don’t you buy a lottery ticket?”

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Joke of the day – 1st Teves, 5773

A visitor arrives in the city of Helm and asks the first pedestrian to direct him to the Mohel (who performs circumcisions). The pedestrian gives directions, names the street and the number and the retail store where the Mohel is located. Indeed, the visitor reaches the Mohel and is puzzled to notice a display of watches in the window. He walks into the store and asks the Mohel: “How come you are displaying watches in your window?” The Mohel calmly replies: “What else do you expect me to display?”

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Joke of the day – 29th Kislev, 5773

Bush, Putin and Sharon get a direct message from G-d: The world is going to be destroyed in two weeks.They immediately call for a press conference. Bush announces: I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that like we had always thought, there is a G-d. The bad news is that the world is coming to an end. Putin announces: I have some bad news and some very bad news. The bad news is, unlike we always thought, there is a G-d. The very bad news is that the world is coming to an end. Sharon announces: I have some good news and some better news. The good news is, like we’ve always thought, there is a G-d. The better news is we will never give back the West Bank!

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Joke of the day – 28th Kislev, 5773

Three Jews are in a clubroom discussing their origins. The first says, “My father was from the old country. His name was Goldsmith, he worked in gold, made a good living, taught me the trade and I’m doing very well with it. I’ve changed my name and now I’m Mr. Gold. “The second one says, “My father came from the old country. His name was Silversmith. He worked in silver, made a good living, and taught me the trade. I also did very well with and shortened my name to Silver. “The third man says, “My father came from the old country. His name was Schneider and he worked as a Tailor. He always struggled. He taught me his trade and I struggled for a long time. Finally, I went into business. My business went bankrupt. I went down on my knees and prayed to the Lord: ‘Lord, help me succeed and we will be partners.’ And everything turned around and I became a wonderful success. “The other two look at him and ask: “Do you expect us to believe that story?” “Sure”, he says. “Haven’t you heard of Lord and Taylor?”

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Joke of the day – 27th Kislev, 5773

A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?” The mechanic nods, confused. “Can you play light-saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?” “Oh yes,” says the mechanic. “Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?” “Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic. “Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing all that already!” says the boss.

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Joke of the day – 23rd Kislev, 5773

The young fellow comes home. His dad asks him: “Did you do your good deed for today?” “Yes Dad, I and 11 friends!” “What did you do?” “We helped an old lady cross the street!” “Why did you need 11 friends for that?” “She didn’t want to cross the street!”

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Joke of the day – 22nd Kislev, 5773

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, “I’m not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats.” “Why do you say that?” “Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green.” “That’s possible.” “Not when I had it in my pocket!”

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Joke of the day – 21st Kislev, 5773

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. “It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’

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Joke of the day – 20th Kislev, 5773

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn’t eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn’t work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, “Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You’re not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave.” Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said “OK. I’ll eat but I have some conditions. First, I’ll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you’ll share with me.” Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he’d like. “Worms!” said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified but didn’t want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. “Not that many, just one,” yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, “OK, now eat!” Josh refused as he sobbed, “No way! You ate my half!”

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Joke of the day – 19th Kislev, 5773

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, “I would like to know two things: First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?” One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.” “I see. And what did you use to break the bars?” the warden asked. Replied the spokesman,” The French Toast…”

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Joke of the day – for 17th Kislev, 5773

Morris takes his wife Pearl to Dr. Schwartz for her annual medical. After examining her, Dr. Schwartz has a quiet word with Morris. “Morris”, says the doctor, “I don’t think your wife is looking too good.” “I don’t think she looks good either,” replies Morris, “but she keeps a clean house and is a decent cook… so for that I’m grateful.”

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Joke of the day – 16th Kislev, 5773

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to the car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: ” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave.”

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Joke of the day – 15th Kislev, 5773

A young man learning in Yeshiva is engaged to a wonderful young lady from wealthy home. The father is upset. How is this guy going to make a living? So he takes him into his office to interview him while the mother and the future bride wait nervously outside. The father says, “How do you intend to make a living?” “G-d will provide,” answers the young man. “Well, my daughter’s needs are great; she was brought up that way.” “G-d will provide,” comes the reply. “How about a house? She needs a big house.” “G-d will provide.””How about clothes? She’s used to expensive, elegant dressing.” “G-d will provide.” The father comes out of the interview and the mother and daughter anxiously inquire, “So what do you think?” “Why, he’s a very fine young man. He thinks I’m G-d!”

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