Daily Torah Quote

 
Or le Yom Bet, 22nd Adar, 5770
 
Breslev Israel
Hillel would say: Do not separate yourself from the community. Do not believe in yourself until the day you die. Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place. Do not say something that is not readily understood in the belief that it will ultimately be understood [or: Do not say something that ought not to be heard even in the strictest confidence, for ultimately it will be heard]. And do not say “When I free myself of my concerns, I will study,” for perhaps you will never free yourself.
(Avot 2)

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Bet, 22nd Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

An IBM sales executive approaches the Pope and requests him to change the daily prayer to include IBM computers. In short, the request for “daily bread” would be dropped and replaced with a request for “daily computers”. In return, IBM would be willing to give the Pope $1 million. The Pope is not exactly overjoyed with this request; however, the IBM sales executive is insistent and antes up his offer to $10 million. The Pope is still not convinced, whereupon the IBM representative offers $50 million which sum the Pope accepts. The following day, there is a meeting of the Cardinals and the Pope speaks. “I have good news for you and I have bad news for you. The good news is that we are richer by $50 million, thanks to IBM. The bad news is that we just lost the Wonderbread account.”

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Daily Torah Quote

 
Or le Yom Aleph, 21st Adar, 5770
 
Breslev Israel
The students praised a certain man in comparison to another. The Kotzker Rebbe replied: If I am I because I am I, and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But if I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Aleph, 21st Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Cohn and Gruen are on a Safari in Tanzania when suddenly a roaring lion appears. Cohn pulls out his sneakers and puts them on in a hurry. Gruen yells at him, “Why are you putting on your sneakers? The lion can out-run you.” Cohen replies, “Yes, the lion can out-run me, however, I only need to out-run you.” And he dashes off.

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Vav, 19th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

While digging in the Sinai desert the Egyptian government by chance happened to find a mummy. They are quite interested in the mummy’s age and they send samples to the British Museum for age determination. The reply came back that the mummy was approximately 3,000-3,500 years old. The Egyptians are very upset and they say that this is not good enough; they want more precise data. They send a sample to the American Academy of Science and they receive the reply that the mummy is approximately 3,000-3,200 years old. Again, the Egyptians are somewhat upset. They say this is not good enough. They want more precise data. They send a sample to the Russian Academy of Science and the reply comes back that the mummy is exactly 3,122 years 6 months 2 days 2 hours old. The Egyptians are surprised and they wire back to the Academy: “How was it possible for you to give such an accurate answer?” The fax message came back: “We made the mummy confess his age.”

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Daily Torah Quote

 
Or le Yom Hey, 18th Adar, 5770
 
Breslev Israel
Be careful with the government, for they befriend a person only for their own needs. They appear to be friends when it is beneficial to them, but they do not stand by a person at the time of his distress.

(Avot 2)

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Hey, 18th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Creative person No. 1: “Do you know that I’ve taken up writing as a career?” Creative person No. 2: “Wonderful. Have you sold anything yet?” Creative person No. 1: “Yes, my watch, my television set and my car!”

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Daily Torah Quote

 
Or le Yom Dalet, 17th Adar, 5770
 
Breslev Israel
Know, when a man humbles himself, G-d will also humble Himself; but when a man is haughty and makes himself great, G-d also shows His greatness and pride.

(Rebbe Nachman of Breslov)

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Daily Torah Quote

 
Or le Yom Gimmel, 16th Adar, 5770
 
Breslev Israel
Those who work for the community should do so for the sake of Heaven; for then merit of their ancestors shall aid them, and their righteousness shall endure forever. And you, [says G-d,] I shall credit you with great reward as if you have achieved it.

(Avot 2)

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Gimmel, 16th Adar, 5770

Breslev Israel

Henry Kissinger, the Nobel Prize for Peace winner, is looking for some job to keep himself occupied. So he becomes the superintendent of the NY zoological gardens. An amazingly short time later he has an exhibit with a lion and a lamb in the same cage living together in harmony. The world takes note. A friend asks him: “Henry, how difficult was it to accomplish such a amazing task?” Henry answers: “It wasn’t difficult at all. You just need a new lamb every morning!”

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Joke of the day

 
Or le Yom Bet, 15th Adar, 5770, Shushan Purim

Breslev Israel

The captain of a U.S. battleship is standing on the bridge. When he sees a light out on the water, he asks the lookout if they are on a collision course. The look out says, “Aye, aye, sir.” The captain calls the signalman. “Signal that ship to change course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I advise you to change your course by twenty degrees.” The captain is upset signals them: “I am a U.S. Navy Captain; change your course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I am an ensign U.S. Navy. I strongly urge you to change course by twenty degrees.” The captain is furious. Signal that ship: “We are a battleship and they better change course by twenty degrees.” The answer comes back: “I am a lighthouse. You better change your course by twenty degrees.”

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