Joke of the day – 11th Teves, 5773

The congregation divided into half about whether to move or not. So the first group goes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons to move and the Rabbi asks questions, considers, and finally he agrees. They’re right. The shul should move. The second group comes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons why the move would be a disaster. The Rabbi asks questions, thinks about it and decides, “you’re right, a disaster, we can’t move.” His wife listened to the whole argument and when the second group leaves, she asks, “But my husband, how can they both be right?” The Rabbi thinks for a moment. Finally he says, “You’re right too”.

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Daily Torah Quote – 11th Teves, 5773

You must not let embarrassment prevent you from sharing with your religious mentor all your thoughts that are inconsistent with our holy Torah.
(Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk). (From: asimplejew.blogspot.com)

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Joke of the day – 10th Teves, 5773

A congregation in an old synagogue located in the Bronx has a problem. One member group says: “When you come to this portion of the service, you have to stand up.” The other group says that when you come to the same part of the service, you should sit down. In their exasperation, they go to the old Rebbe for adjudication. The representative of the first group says to the Rebbe: “I believe that when we come to this portion of the service we should stand up. Tell us what to do.” The Rebbe strokes his beard, shakes his head and says, “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Two weeks pass and the other side, frustrated, also goes to the Rebbe and seeks advice: “Rebbe, Rebbe we believe that the first group is wrong. We believe that at that point in the service we should sit down. Tell us what shall we do.” The Rebbe looks at the man, strokes his beard again and says: “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Another two weeks pass and the groups become very belligerent and are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other in their exasperation. Both sides decide to go to the Rebbe and tell him: “Rebbe, Rebbe, things are getting out of hand. We are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other, jumping at each other’s throats, please tell us how it was!” The Rebbe’s face lights up and he says with a flowing smile: “Yes, that’s the way it was! That’s the way it was!”

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Joke of the day – 8th Teves, 5773

A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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Daily Torah Quote – 8th Teves, 5773

Rabbi Shimon would say: Three who eat at one table and do not speak words of Torah, it is as if they have eaten of idolatrous sacrifices; as is stated, “Indeed, all tables are filled with vomit and filth, devoid of the Omnipresent” (Isaiah 28:8). But three who eat at one table and speak words of Torah, it is as if they have eaten at G-d’s table, as is stated, “And he said to me: This is the table that is before G-d”.
(Ezekiel 41:22) (Avot 3)

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Joke of the day – 7th Teves, 5773

Eighty years ago, the young man goes off to college two thousand miles away. The anxious father write telegrams, urgent letters “How are you”, “What are you studying”, “Who are your friends”, etc. etc. The silence is deafening. There are no phones there! So the father in desperation starts packing; he plans to travel to the college to see for himself. The uncle walks in and asks: “Where are you going?” The father explains; the uncle says: “Silly, I’ll get you an answer by return mail.” They make a bet for a $1,000. Sure enough, 8 days later the uncle walks in and plunks two letters on the table; the letter he wrote to get all the information and the letter he received. Flabbergasted the father asked: “How did you do it?” The uncle says: “Look at the P.S.” P.S. (the uncle writes) Enclosed you will find a check for $100. P.S. (the nephew answers) Uncle, you forgot to enclose your check!

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Joke of the day – 6th Teves, 5773

Three mothers are gathered and boasting about their children. One boasts of her son, the head of a medical department; the other has a son who is a Judge, and a daughter Psychiatrist. One of the women is quiet through it all. Finally, they turn to her and ask: “Well, what does your son do?” “He’s a rabbi!” “A rabbi? What kind of a profession is that for a nice Jewish boy?”

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Daily Torah Quote – 6th Teves, 5773

Rabbi Chanina son of Tradyon would say: Two who sit and no words of Torah pass between them, this is a session of scorners, as is stated, “And in a session of scorners he did not sit” (Psalms 1:1). But two who sit and exchange words of Torah, the Divine Presence rests amongst them, as is stated, “Then the G-d-fearing conversed with one another, and G-d listened and heard; and it was inscribed before Him in a book of remembrance for those who fear G-d and give thought to His name”.
(Malachi 3:16), (Avot 3)

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Joke of the day – 5th Teves, 5773

A man is having a conversation with G-d, and he says, “G-d, with all of Your power, majesty and greatness, how does a million years appear in Your eyes?” The answer: a second. “Well, G-d, with your infiniteness and omnipotence, how does a billion dollars appear in Your eyes?” The answer: a penny. “So G-d, please, please give me half a penny.” The answer: in half a second.

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Daily Torah Quote – 5th Teves, 5773

Joy is the greatest commodity! It provides motivation and vitality to the body and soul. The slightest inclination towards sadness causes physical sluggishness. Rabbi Shlomo of Karlin would say: “Sadness is not a transgression, but sadness can do to a person what even the worst transgression could not do.”
(Rabbi Shlomo of Karlin)

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Joke of the day – 4th Teves, 5773

A poor Yeshiva boy marries the daughter of a very rich man. The happy father is overwhelmed at the marriage of his daughter and offers the young man one-third of his business and a senior position in the company. He tells the young man: “I’ll make you my Vice President of manufacturing.” The boy replies: “Dad, I appreciate your offer but I don’t think this is really what I want to do.” The father then continues: “Well, perhaps I should offer you the position of Vice President of Finance.” The boy replies: “Dad, I appreciate your consideration, but again this is just not my field.” Whereupon the slightly disappointed father-in-law continues: “My son, I offer you the position of Vice President of Sales.” The boy replies: “Dad, I greatly appreciate your generosity, but I don’t think I’m really meant for sales.” The father-in-law is now somewhat annoyed: “Well, what is it you want to do?” The boy replies: “Dad, I want you to buy me out.”

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Joke of the day – 3rd Teves, 5773

Mr. Cohen is having financial troubles and nothing seems to go his way. He prays to G-d: “Oh, G-d, Oh, G-d, help me to win the lottery, I need some financial help, Oh, G-d… A week or two passes by and, not surprisingly, Mr. Cohen did not win the lottery. Mr. Cohen prays to G-d again: “Oh, G-d, Oh, God, help me. I’ve got to solve my financial problems. Let me win at least just once in my lifetime…” Another week passes by and, again, nothing happens to Mr. Cohen. Another two or three weeks pass by, when suddenly there is thunder and the voice of G-d is heard: “Listen, Cohen, give me a break. Why don’t you buy a lottery ticket?”

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Daily Torah Quote – 3rd Teves, 5773

Pure truth does not exist in this world. You can say that one man is far from falsehood, and another man still father. But no one is completely truthful.
(Rebbe Menachem Mendel Hager of Kossov) From: asimplejew.blogspot.com

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Joke of the day – 1st Teves, 5773

A visitor arrives in the city of Helm and asks the first pedestrian to direct him to the Mohel (who performs circumcisions). The pedestrian gives directions, names the street and the number and the retail store where the Mohel is located. Indeed, the visitor reaches the Mohel and is puzzled to notice a display of watches in the window. He walks into the store and asks the Mohel: “How come you are displaying watches in your window?” The Mohel calmly replies: “What else do you expect me to display?”

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Joke of the day – 29th Kislev, 5773

Bush, Putin and Sharon get a direct message from G-d: The world is going to be destroyed in two weeks.They immediately call for a press conference. Bush announces: I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that like we had always thought, there is a G-d. The bad news is that the world is coming to an end. Putin announces: I have some bad news and some very bad news. The bad news is, unlike we always thought, there is a G-d. The very bad news is that the world is coming to an end. Sharon announces: I have some good news and some better news. The good news is, like we’ve always thought, there is a G-d. The better news is we will never give back the West Bank!

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