Joke of the day – 11th Teves, 5773

The congregation divided into half about whether to move or not. So the first group goes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons to move and the Rabbi asks questions, considers, and finally he agrees. They’re right. The shul should move. The second group comes to the Rabbi and they give all the reasons why the move would be a disaster. The Rabbi asks questions, thinks about it and decides, “you’re right, a disaster, we can’t move.” His wife listened to the whole argument and when the second group leaves, she asks, “But my husband, how can they both be right?” The Rabbi thinks for a moment. Finally he says, “You’re right too”.

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Daily Torah Quote – 11th Teves, 5773

You must not let embarrassment prevent you from sharing with your religious mentor all your thoughts that are inconsistent with our holy Torah.
(Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk). (From: asimplejew.blogspot.com)

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Joke of the day – 10th Teves, 5773

A congregation in an old synagogue located in the Bronx has a problem. One member group says: “When you come to this portion of the service, you have to stand up.” The other group says that when you come to the same part of the service, you should sit down. In their exasperation, they go to the old Rebbe for adjudication. The representative of the first group says to the Rebbe: “I believe that when we come to this portion of the service we should stand up. Tell us what to do.” The Rebbe strokes his beard, shakes his head and says, “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Two weeks pass and the other side, frustrated, also goes to the Rebbe and seeks advice: “Rebbe, Rebbe we believe that the first group is wrong. We believe that at that point in the service we should sit down. Tell us what shall we do.” The Rebbe looks at the man, strokes his beard again and says: “I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it was…”Another two weeks pass and the groups become very belligerent and are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other in their exasperation. Both sides decide to go to the Rebbe and tell him: “Rebbe, Rebbe, things are getting out of hand. We are shouting, screaming and yelling at each other, jumping at each other’s throats, please tell us how it was!” The Rebbe’s face lights up and he says with a flowing smile: “Yes, that’s the way it was! That’s the way it was!”

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Joke of the day – 8th Teves, 5773

A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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A Rabbi is conducting a funeral and the deceased person was not what you might call a “nice” person. In fact, he acted dishonestly in business, he double-crossed his business associates, he cheated on his wife — in fact, he didn’t even treat his children affectionately. In delivering the eulogy the Rabbi praises this man beyond belief. He says that the deceased was such an honest and honorable man who treated all his associates fairly. At this time, his friends begin to cough. The Rabbi continues that the deceased was a staunch supporter of his community by performing many good deeds, at which time the members of the congregation begin to blink and raise their eyebrows. Finally, the Rabbi says that this man was such a devoted husband who loved his wife and children. At this point the wife cannot take it any more and nudges his son and tells him: “Moishe, Moishe, go to the coffin, lift up the lid and tell me who is lying there.”

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Daily Torah Quote – 8th Teves, 5773

Rabbi Shimon would say: Three who eat at one table and do not speak words of Torah, it is as if they have eaten of idolatrous sacrifices; as is stated, “Indeed, all tables are filled with vomit and filth, devoid of the Omnipresent” (Isaiah 28:8). But three who eat at one table and speak words of Torah, it is as if they have eaten at G-d’s table, as is stated, “And he said to me: This is the table that is before G-d”.
(Ezekiel 41:22) (Avot 3)

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Joke of the day – 7th Teves, 5773

Eighty years ago, the young man goes off to college two thousand miles away. The anxious father write telegrams, urgent letters “How are you”, “What are you studying”, “Who are your friends”, etc. etc. The silence is deafening. There are no phones there! So the father in desperation starts packing; he plans to travel to the college to see for himself. The uncle walks in and asks: “Where are you going?” The father explains; the uncle says: “Silly, I’ll get you an answer by return mail.” They make a bet for a $1,000. Sure enough, 8 days later the uncle walks in and plunks two letters on the table; the letter he wrote to get all the information and the letter he received. Flabbergasted the father asked: “How did you do it?” The uncle says: “Look at the P.S.” P.S. (the uncle writes) Enclosed you will find a check for $100. P.S. (the nephew answers) Uncle, you forgot to enclose your check!

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